I have a problem. When I love someone, I give a love I know is seldom found somewhere else. This is not one of those things that I can’t prove with quantifiable means unless you count the number of times I make your heart beat in a minute per the lost amount of rushed breaths trying to catch air. Nor is it one of those things that you can physically see unless you choose to see the lack of conditions I hold above your head. The problem is not this. The problem is the fact that you took me for granted, or rather I let myself be taken for granted.
This is not a pity post. That first paragraph was a set-up to explain my feelings. The easiest way to do this was to direct it towards the person I was feeling it all towards.
I am so tired of seeing the lack of self-worth we give ourselves. We judge ourselves for our past mistakes and forget to see the greatness that we have caged up within ourselves. I fell victim to this mindset and thought that my mistakes defined my humanity and was not deserving of the amazing love that was offered to me.
Everything I am is, because of the rough, broken, twisted road I have paved myself. Moving forward, I’m sure there will be many more twists and turns that I won’t be expecting, but I’ll have better tools in the form of experience on my shoulders to make sure that the groundwork holds.
Some mistakes seem difficult to let go of. At the end of the day, life will move on with or without me. I am actively choosing to make the decision to cry and let the tears fall, but I am also choosing to add this pain into the scenery of a passing by ugly graying curve on the side of this road that I am paving for myself. The beauty of building a road is that I can take a trip to visit these curves that I was not anticipating initially and experience the memory again through dulled emotions, because that is what time will do. It will dull the hurt. Eventually, when I choose to revisit it one lonely night, because I’m maybe feeling a bit nostalgic, there may come a time when the pain won’t come the way it once did and this hurt will become a lesson. It’s this lesson that will help me recognize that all that was needed was a little bit of space and time to recognize the beauty hidden away in this unexpected curve in the road of my life’s journey.
For now, however, I will cry over the loss I feel for what I wanted this person to be in my life until this becomes a lesson.