I have grown up in a world that has made me feel that I need to do things that fit into the “norm”. This pressure sometimes came in the form of well-meaning parents who never wanted their daughter to bring shame onto the family name, but at the same time try to find some sort of happy medium for me as well. Somehow, in trying to please them, I went further and further away from myself. At other times, it was society boxing me in and telling me what was expected of me in the form of movies or media which talked about starting a family and being nurturing and a provider. Let me expand on that. Now that I am in 2017, wifey does not necessarily equate to homemaker only. It means that I can also provide for my family while maintaining the home. Women can have it all. But, somehow this is not appealing either. I don’t want to live in something so strictly maintained. I want to do me, but I want to be accepted in the culture I grew up in. I am having an identity crises.
I am questioning EVERYTHING nowadays. Why do we do what we do? I want to really look inside myself and think of the answer to that. I want to know why the things around us are so important including the people we surround ourselves with. What does it mean if we want to step away from it all? Why is it so frowned upon to want to run away from it all? Would it not be so easy to leave a note and on a dark moonless night, just slip away and leave everything and everyone that held me dear behind? No consequences to deal with, no mess to look back on, no apologies to muster. Just do it. So easy, right? Start somewhere new, with only myself to rely on.
We live in a society that tells us that these things do matter. That the people we surround ourselves with, owe us something and we owe them something. That this is a relationship. I give something to them, which keeps them around and they in turn give something back to me. This is anything from a financial support system to a loving relationship built on trust. The latter of the two still asks for something from me too. It requires a type of support system that is rooted from an emotional/mental/spiritual foundation. There is not one relationship that I can think of where we are not giving or taking from one another. Even my relationship with my dog is a companionship. I want/need the attention from my dog to make me feel wanted/needed and my dog needs me for, well, survival.
I want to take a second and really look at the perspective of the inner me that sometimes just wants to run away. I don’t want to look down at it in contempt, because I understand where run away me is coming from. The needs of who I am and everything that I believe and have faith in are obviously important to me. I want to give myself the opportunity to grow individually and learn on my own away from the people that have been in my life from the beginning. I guess, perhaps, I was feeling so boxed in by expectations of those surrounding me, I forgot or perhaps never learned what it meant to be in a relationship with just me. Meaning that I wanted to learn from just myself based on only my own wants or needs. Why is that so wrong?
I don’t think this is wrong. I do, however, think responsibility is a huge a factor that comes into play…as well as balance. I think what sometimes ends up happening is that we give ourselves too little of an opportunity to find a good enough balance between the inner us that wants to runaway and the inner us that has to answer to all the different relationships in our lives. Too much freedom to myself would lead me back here, sitting in front of a computer screen looking for answers in words that I am making up as I go along. Those people clearly mean something, otherwise I would not have felt the need to want to run away like a coward, because I was too afraid of their judgment. I did not want to disappoint them, so I suppose that is where communication comes in.
Communication is so much harder to do than it is write down here. I get it perhaps better than most how hard it is to tell someone that you really love that you need space from them to grow as an individual. But, not doing it is not an answer either. Acknowledging the fact that something needs to be worked on in order to improve it is a blessing in and of itself. This means hard conversations need to be had. Why? I owe it to myself and because no one else will be quite as honest as I am with myself.
Think about that. Have you ever lied about something? The feeling associated with a lie is like none other. You can lie to the world and you know what, the world may even believe you, but there is something to be said about lying. It sticks to you in a way that nothing else really does. Even when you can close your eyes late at night, falling asleep, in the back of your mind or your heart of hearts, it sits there quietly festering. You know it’s there even when the rest of the world goes on without a second thought. No one should have to live with that. The runaway me and the responsible me both have lies and truths that need to be acknowledged if I really want to truly be happy.
I’m working on it, are you?