Forewarning, this post seems like an entry out of a moody teenager’s diary, but that’s what I’m feeling like. So, here it goes. I feel so sad and lonely and hurt right now, because I miss someone who has been in my life since the beginning of their existence. I was there for their first breath, first tears, first word, first steps, first crush, first heartbreak and whatever else firsts you want to add. We were so close. At least I thought so. Then one day I get a phone call that this person decided to leave a note saying,
“Family, you’ve taught me everything I need to know. Now it’s time for me to go out into the world and be on my own. I love you.”
Just like that. This person who I pretty much raised was gone. Now we no longer speak. They don’t answer my phone calls. They don’t answer my text messages. My heart has been broken in a way I never thought possible. This kind of heartbreak is different than I ever imagined, because it was someone who was supposed to ride with me no matter what. We were supposed to love each other no matter what. We were supposed to be able to fight and be fine, because that was the kind of bond we shared. At least I thought so. This was my blood. This was our blood. We knew we argued, we knew we didn’t see each other often. We knew that. But, that was supposed to be ok. At least I thought so.
But, somewhere along the way, we stopped understanding each other, I suppose. I never imagined a world where I didn’t speak to this person for days at a time, let alone months at a time. Ever since this person left, I feel like, I’ve lost a part of myself. I feel like my breath was stolen from me and now my breathing comes from a tube. Though it’s become dull, the pain my heart feels is constant. Sometimes I can make it numb, but then it comes back with a vengeance.
**** I’m going to take a little time out for a second. If you made it this far, thank you. I promise, it gets lighter from here. I had to get that out. This blog is first and foremost for myself. Getting this out is my form of sanity. It’s my curse that I communicate better when I write than when someone asks me what’s wrong. This heals. Now back to the blog. ****
Wanna hear something crazy? A day or two ago, I was at work and from my window I can see a building. And I believe, everyday the building showcases a new word that can be seen far and wide. Well, on this particular day, I was wanting to post, but I didn’t know what to write about. I looked at the building and saw in giant capital letters, the word, “HOPE”. Somehow it felt like that was what I should write about. But, when I tried, everything felt so forced. Nothing came together. Then today, I woke up feeling heavy and filled with sadness for someone who maybe just needs some space to themselves for a while. And all of a sudden, the words came. And this is the result.
I am so very sad. But, I am also very light. You know that feeling when you cry, but not just the gentle crying, but the heavy-sobbing-not-being-able-to-catch- your-breath crying? Well, you know that other feeling? The one that comes right after you feel like you have no tears or strength enough to cry anymore? That feeling of, forgive me, but due to a lack of a better word, the feeling of peace? Well, that is where I’m at. I am light. I am hope. I cannot do anything about this situation. It is not for me to live or to decide someone else’s life. I love this person more than life itself. One day, when they recognize my love, they will be back in my life, because they will want to return. I will never give up on this person. Like I said, this is my blood, my loyalty to them cannot be shaken.
If there was a manifestation of hope, it would be this. I hold this light. It will work out one day. It will.
Now I want to say this to you. When everything seems bleak and you feel like you’re at your wits end, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, and you’re surrounded by seeming darkness, I want you to know there is always a light waiting to be found. To quote the greatest headmaster Hogwarts has ever had,”happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”