There was an argument. It’s not often that it comes up, but when it does, lord knows it takes everything I have to not cry out. I beat myself up internally. This is my fault. I know I can be better. I am better than this. I deserve better than this. I cannot keep living this way. She makes me feel like shit. Makes me believe I am worth nothing. There are so many things that I want to say, but I do not know how to say them. The words are there, but somehow…they are not there. It is literally one of the worst things imaginable when someone is holding you back from your potential. They are constantly there, leering at you. Waiting for you to succumb to the failure they believe you to be.
This particular argument was about something so…trivial. She believed me to be useless with my craft. That I was a novice who was gifted with the tools to put together a series of words to touch people’s hearts. That this gift was wasted on me. I could not write for shit. How can I be expected to string together sentences when I could not even think of a concept? I was useless. She was always in my face when she got this way. Always looming, haunting me, and taunting me. Reminding me of my inadequacy. Writer’s Block. It too is a bitch, amongst other life battles.
Note to self: Something will come to you, as it always does. Be patient and kind to yourself.