Recently, I’ve started to realize that with this blog, I will have to face the reality that my privacy is to be well-guarded. That means that there are things that I am not going to be able to avoid. So, before this gets brought up, I want to put a story out there that I am not too proud of. Right from the source. Before reading any further, I want to place a gentle reminder out there for all the people who love to go ham in my comments that I never claimed to be a perfect person. Now, let’s take a trip down a dark memory lane.
My girlfriend and I had just gotten together. We were so good together, but we were so bad together. I did everything wrong. She did everything wrong. We were hiding our relationship from our parents. It wasn’t the time for us to come out. We were afraid of the world. We became us against the world. At least that’s what we told ourselves.
I think everyone around us saw it, but no one outright said what needed to be said. We were on the worst track. We were unhealthy. At the time, it was easy to not trust anyone. It was easy to think the worst of everyone. Including each other. We were constantly having battles, out in the open. It was terrible. We didn’t want anyone stepping into our relationship, but we actively made our relationship public by having shouting matches in front of the world. We would say terrible things to each other. We would walk away angry and in tears.
That wasn’t the worst thing though. I did something at the time that I did not think was terrible. Something that I see couples around me do now all too often. I told her that if she respected me, she would not hang out with some of her friends. Specifically one of her best friends. She told me later on, years later that she stopped talking to her slowly as a result of that comment and her friendship with her ended as a result of me. I never wanted to be that person. This was back in high school and I don’t even recall having made this comment, but she told me that happened. That’s not me being delusional, I genuinely don’t remember having said that. There were so many conversations that I have actively chosen to place out of my mind. The mind has a crazy way of dealing with things that we are not ready to accept about ourselves. . .
When she explained how the friendship faded as a result of what I said to her, my heart dropped. That person is the furthest thing from who I am today. This is not an excuse for bad behavior, but I want to add that I was scared and felt that if I lost her, I would lose myself. . .oh, how it gets healthier right? I don’t know where this delusional mindset stemmed from. Maybe it was the aforementioned thought-process that we truly believed it was us against the world? Maybe, my own sense of insecurity was coming out to play? Or perhaps it was everyone looking at us like we were playing a game and that our relationship was a joke? I don’t know. What I do know and understand now is that relationships are not meant to control each other. The gift of love bestowed between two people is not supposed to tear them away from their loved ones.
Want to know something? The ironic thing about it all is that one of my best friends got with his girl and she did the same to him that I did to my girlfriend in high school. She told him it was either me or her. And I don’t blame him for a second for choosing her. That was his active choice to make. And you know what else is worth thinking about? I see stories like this come up so often. People talking about how guys can’t be friends with girls or vice versa. How you’re supposed to give up everything for that one person. Well, I’ve come to a wholly different conclusion sitting here 7 years later.
Relationships built on a solid foundation of trust and loyalty are meant to hold up not only you and your significant other, but your loved ones who you have brought along with you on this life journey. To me a relationship nowadays means that I want us to have our individual lives. I want my relationship moving forward to be a collaboration of trust and loyalty before anything else. Love is OBVIOUSLY important, but I would much rather have a foundation built from a mixture of the strongest concrete derived from trust, loyalty and hell of a lot of compromises before we even let love get dabbled in the mix. I would never again ask anyone I am with on this level to ever choose between me or someone else they respect and love. Love is not that to me. Relationships are not that to me.
So, this post is an ode to being healthy in relationships moving forward. I hope this resounds with you the way I intend it to. To my girlfriend in high school, I’m sorry. To the friend, that lost a beautiful soul from their life as a result of my own inadequacy, I’m sorry. I doubt you’ll see this, but I hope this story rings through to someone that needs it.
On that note, I’m going to go ahead and end this rant here with this. I recently have taken to appreciating 21 Savage in a way that I did not think that I could. I can’t believe I would take relationship advice from 21 Savage, but something he said in his song, “Ball w\o You” stuck with me:
” I’d rather have loyalty than love
‘Cause love really don’t mean jack
See love is just a feeling
You can love somebody and still stab them in the back
It don’t take much to love
You can love somebody just by being attached
See loyalty is a action
You can love or hate me and still have my back (Facts) “