The screen in front of me indicated I had an hour and a half until my flight took off. As I watched the minutes tick by the thoughts in my head began fighting for my attention. There were so many of them. It was as though each thought was an individual voice and they were all trying to make their voice the loudest in my mind. My heart was racing along with my thoughts, both trying to outrun the other. I brought my hand to my heart in a futile attempt to try to calm myself. The world began spinning.
I didn’t know what I was going to do. I had to make this flight. My breathing became shallow. I just had to make this flight. I did not want to be at home anymore. There was no sense of loyalty left in anyone. Everyone was either out to hurt me or they wanted something from me. It felt like it had been forever since someone genuinely sat me down and asked me how my heart was doing. I was so very alone.
My heart felt like it would beat right on out of my chest. I had to get it together. As all these thoughts flew through my mind and soul, I felt a gentle touch on my shoulder. I look over and there was a woman with a look of concern in her eyes. She leaned over and said,
“It’s going to be alright.”
She then started talking to me about her daughter. She told me that she only knew her daughter for a small period of time, but for as long as she did, she showered her with love as only she knew how to. Unconditional and that which only a mother can give. She told me that she didn’t understand that she had the capacity to nurture the way she could until her baby was born.
As she kept talking, I began to realize that the room was not spinning anymore and my heart was not trying to compete with my brain to see who could finish the race first. As each negative thought came my way, I effortlessly began an internal dance of dodging them. The dance was fluid and familiar. Slowly I cleared my mind of all negativity. My mind was at peace.
It was then that I realized that this woman had been trying to distract me into calming down enough to stop the anxiety attack. It worked.
When she realized that I was better, she said,
“There is nothing in this world that you get handed that you are not able to handle. My little girl would have been 10 years old this year. Her life was a blessing. Her death was a terrible terrible journey that I needed to get through to be closer to God. Always remember that whatever you are going through, no matter what it is, it’s preparing you so that you can take on the future. Don’t let anyone distract you from your greatness. I don’t know you, but I sense an air of the Lord’s light around you.”
All of a sudden, I realize I am exhausted. I then decided to do the only thing that made sense in that moment. I let her voice lull me to sleep. I dozed off. I was awoken by the loudspeaker announcing that it was time for me to board. My mind clear and a smile on my face, I looked for the woman who helped me get my head together. There was no trace of her. I had to get ready to board, so I knew I had to give up the search.
I am forever grateful to the woman with the angel’s voice. She knew what I needed to hear. Everything happening in the present is a constant preparation for the fruits of the future.
As I walk past the flight attendant checking in everyone, towards the jet bridge, I notice the entrance is shrouded in a dazzling bright blinding light. I walk towards it until it surrounds me. I take in the brightness and close my eyes. When I open them again, I am in my bed, in my apartment with my little dog lying next to me. I smile.