Marriage and My Commitment Issues

The idea of commitment for the longest time freaked me out. I think a lot of it had to do with all the different types of personalities I would come across, especially the last couple of years of my life. I think the further I was able to travel from home, the more my perspective grew…as it should happen. The more people I met…it scared me, thinking…

”How am I going to end up committing to one person, so young.”

That thinking was always creeping up in the back of my mind for a hot second, but then it intensified when people around me started to get married. Friends that I had grown up with, were getting married at 21, 22 years old. There were people from high school who I heard had gotten married a year after high school ended. Don’t get me wrong, if that’s for you, then that’s for you. But, for me, the notion of it, was astounding.

I think that made me run from the idea of it even more. My long-term girlfriend at the time and I would talk about it, but I always brushed it aside. I think she grew tired of my lack of empathy towards her perspective and we didn’t talk about it again for years. It was there, but never truly discussed. I’ll admit, I was closed off to it and possibly a little bit more than a bitch about it when the topic came up. That probably also added to our lack of communication. A lot of it was probably also age and lack of maturity…mostly on my part, which didn’t help.

One of my closest friends got married a few years back and I flat out told him that I would not be attending the ceremony, but would try to come to the reception…yea, I was that person. I just saw marriage as a choke-hold. However, thankfully, for me, my friend and my girlfriend both sat me down and had a heart to heart with me. He told me, he would be heartbroken if I wasn’t a part of this day. So, for no better reason than being guilted into it, I went. And you know what, I was glad that I did. Despite everything, my lack of understanding towards the whole franchise, I had a lovely time. Though, I promise you my mentality about marriage didn’t shift for a few more years.

Today, I sit here as a person, who has had relative ease when it comes to being able to connect with people on an intimate level. That being said, I’ve been privy to meet amazing souls who have ultimately taught me so much about myself. I’ve learned over the years, especially this past year of what it means to have someone truly respect who you are and everything you stand for, even when they don’t necessarily agree with everything you do. That type of loyalty is seldom found. And to that respect, I feel should be honored, cherished and celebrated.

However, I’ve also seen what very public relationships can do to people. I know that I’m not anyone famous that people would be looking out for. That’s not what I’m getting at. I’m talking about the relationships where people look at you as either “goals” or “wow, they really should not be together”. One of my longest relationships, I felt like was out on display for the world to see and judge, because we put it on display for everyone. We were young. Seniors in high school when we got together. We would scream at each other, make it oh so very public, and made our business everyone else’s business by doing so. Then, we had the audacity to go right around and say how the world didn’t understand us, yet everything was right there. On full display. We felt the pressure of trying to prove to the world that we could make it. We would make it. I hated that. It almost felt like we did it to prove something more so to people than for ourselves. And that wasn’t all we were. We had our good moments. There was love. There was always love. But, we were just so unhealthy in that time frame. We needed to learn ourselves individually before we could EVER learn ourselves together. That shit cuts the deepest. When you love someone so much, you know you have to allow them and yourself to grow apart in order to grow together. And I did that. We did that…

***I’m going to cut this here, because this post is getting too long. I’ll post the rest tomorrow or later today. Comments have been turned off on this one. I want to hear your thoughts on the completed post, later. ***