I think about this a lot. The person I want and the one I’m attracted to, can be two complete opposites. There could be a whole good girl, with her goodness, waiting for me at home. And I will find myself going to the broken types. The ones with all the damn baggage to add to my own baggage, until we’re both weighed down by it. And it’s funny, because that good girl, is a smart girl too. So, she recognizes that her worth is so much more than my own bullshit. She’s gotta fly too.
And, somehow, I managed to clip both our wings, lost in my own willingness to play hero in a story I had no business being a part of, in the first place. I’m trying to learn self-love in a way that leaves me available to accept only healthy love that I know I deserve. And I get it. Love comes and goes. And I have so much love that I can show, but I get so caught up in my own head and get lost in my own insecurities. Ultimately, I recognize that this whole thing is a process. But, that process is supposed to be linear, taking me to different heights as I grow in life, and not cyclical. And these habits are hard to break. I really have to look at myself in the mirror and say,
“Stop. There’s no reason to answer that text. There’s no reason to play into someone else’s games. Don’t entertain it. You’re too grown for this.”
And of course I’ll look at my phone, pondering over history, pondering over the capacity to change, pondering over how this broken bird can sing all the right things my way to get me to pay attention. But, that is not enough. Not anymore. Habits take time, right? And this habit of playing into this ugliness took years to build. They had become a part of my character. The work to untangle the negative character flaws are going to take time. I have to hold myself accountable to myself. Now is not the time for backtracking. I have to stick to this. At the end of the day, if I don’t, then I’m just another broken record, another sad toxic love song. And I don’t want that for myself. I have so much love to show, to share, to feel, how can I, at 27, accept this as my end all, be all?