The sandwich was the last straw for me. I’d been holding so much in. Listen, when I tell you there had been one thing after another trying my mental, it would be an understatement. I was taking hit after hit, everything from my personal life to my professional life. The character development that I went through the past six months has been wild, to say the least.
So, to get back to the sandwich…there was this day where LITERALLY it felt like nothing could go right. I picked up a sandwich on my way home, in reflection of life. I get home, my lady is in the kitchen, and I go to the bedroom to change into something comfortable. My phone starts ringing. I look down and instantly my heart drops. Never has this man called to give me any type of good news. It doesn’t matter what, it doesn’t matter who. That call left me trying to gasp for air. I was DISTRESSED. I take a second, get my shit together and walk back out. I told my girl what happened, she’s already seen me struggling so much, told me it’s going to be ok, and says let’s eat and that I’m strong and everything is coming together. All this is leading to something amazing. Took all of me not to roll my eyes. We sit down to eat…and instantly I realize, they fucked up my order.
I started crying. And crying. And crying. I’m trying to catch my breath. My heart starts racing, I feel like I’m going to pass out. Nothing is making sense. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to deal with any of this anymore. I don’t want to be the solution to everyone’s problems anymore. I don’t want to pay money for bills I didn’t create. I don’t want to be a bank anymore for people that only ever took and never gave an ounce of respect that real relationships need to thrive. I’m never like this around anyone. Not even her. It’s rare. I hold it in and no one gets this side of me. God, how I hated myself in that moment. I wanted to disappear. Make it all end.
When I finally got a hold of myself, nothing was fixed. My problems were still there. I still felt broken inside. But, at the same time, it was different. I realized my humanity more than ever in that moment. I had this odd sort of epiphany, if you will. Damn, there was a lot of people that counted on me. But, that does not mean that I need to have it all together. I need to be easy on myself. Stop with the heavy reflections on a past that I cannot change. Every single moment in my past brought me to the one that left me in tears gasping for air. And I need to take a fucking break. On myself. I’m only one person. And that’s it.