I saw a post online of someone who had created a poem of what they would do if they had nine lives. I’ve seen different variations of it online, so can’t credit the original personal and don’t want to take credit for this as an original idea. However, this is my interpretation of it based on my life.
If I had nine lives…
I’d spend the first in the dark
not running this time
not reaching for a light switch
just sitting still
long enough to hear my own breathing
instead of everything I was afraid of
I’d let the shadows stretch
until they lost their teeth
let the silence settle
until it stopped feeling like something
waiting to hurt me
maybe then
I’d stop mistaking darkness
for danger
In my second life,
I would live my mother’s life beside her
not as her daughter
but as her witness
I’d feel the choices disappear
before she ever got to make them
learn how to carry a life
that was handed to you
already decided
I’d watch her swallow
everything she never got to be
and still wake up
and keep going
like it didn’t take something with it
In my third,
I’d grow up again under my father’s voice
but this time
I wouldn’t make myself smaller
I’d stand in it
let it pass through me
and realize
it was never the walls shaking
just sound
just something that didn’t deserve
to live inside me
In my fourth life,
I’d run away with my sister
before the distance
before the silence
before we learned
how to live whole lives
without each other
we’d leave without a plan
just two kids
thinking escape
meant freedom
I’d see where she went
when she didn’t come back
what she was chasing
what she was running from
I’d stay long enough
to understand
if leaving
felt like relief
or just another kind of loneliness
and years later
I’d still sit across from her
trying to recognize
what’s left of us
hearing her children
in the next room
and wondering
if they would know me
or if I’m just a name
they’ve heard
but never held
In my fifth,
I would come out sooner
not gently
not in pieces
not in a way
that makes it easier
for everyone else
I’d let it be what it is
loud
complicated
unapologetic
even if it breaks something
in the process
In my sixth life,
I’d stay a little longer
with the almost one…
long enough to admit
it was never going to become more
I’d stop calling it love
just because it hurt
stop waiting for someone
who was only ever
half there
learn that longing
can make a home out of absence
and convince you
it’s something real
By the seventh,
I would be tired
not the kind of tired
that sleep fixes
the kind that lives in your bones
from trying to be too many versions of yourself
for too many people
I’d stop running
stop reaching
for lives that were never mine
I’d want to be still
like a tree
finally rooted
in one place
not because I’m stuck
but because I chose
to stay
I’d let things come and go
without chasing them
let people leave
without following
and for the first time
I wouldn’t feel
like I’m missing something
just because I stayed
In my eighth life,
I wouldn’t find her sooner
I already did
I’d just stop leaving
and coming back
like love was something
I could afford to be unsure about
I’d hold on
the first time
instead of testing it
against my fears
my timing
my inability to believe
something good would stay
I’d stop calling it complicated
when it was really just me
not knowing how to keep
something real
I’d look at her
the way I do now
and understand
I was never supposed to lose her
to learn her value
In my final life,
I wouldn’t be searching
I wouldn’t be waiting
in places that only echo
with who I lost
I’d just be here
in the quiet
in the dark that no longer scares me
next to the person
who chose me back
But I don’t have nine lives
I only have this one
so I’ll sit in the dark
until it softens
I’ll try to understand
the people who made me
without letting them define me
I’ll stop waiting
for almosts to become forever
and I’ll love her
fully
without hesitation
without saving anything
for another life
– Navjot